Confessions of a Khorne Berzerker
by bluenight17
Summary: Some random thoughts on the individuals and groups within Warhammer 40K. Will try for funny, no promises though. Rating so I don't feel restricted.
1. Chapter 1

Confessions of a Khorne Berzerker.

_And other odd stories._

Ivan was mad. Really mad. Stamp your feet and bite your bolter mad. This was not an unusual state of affairs, because Ivan was a Khorne Berzerker, and such things are expected of the most feared shock troopers of the Fell Powers. What was unusual was how he was dealing with it.

As he approached the door, he saw another figure in red. "Borgia? They got you too?"

The other Dark Astares nodded. "Yep, they have half the squad in there. The bosses are 'experimenting' with how to make us better at what we do."

Ivan was reminded why he was there, and a bit madder for it. "I heard about the treatment they gave Clove the Abomination. If this puny puissant sorcerer tries anything like that to me, he'll be wearing a chain-ax in his face."

Borgia looked impatient. "Well, we're here, let's get this over with."

They opened the door and walked in. They looked around and saw their squad-mates Attila and Caligua sitting and obviously trying not to leap up and beat someone to death with their chairs. In the middle of the room stood a thin, pale sorcerer lord. The room was decorated with human trophies and all the paraphernalia of sorcery.

"Ah. Our final guests arrive. We are set to begin." Evil chuckle. "All of you here have at one point turned on your side in the grips of a mad rage. I am here, at the invitation of your commander, to rectify the situation. The Thousand Sons legion will be working closely with your warband in the next Black Crusade, and we will not allow you to get away with butchering any of our number. I will give you the tools you need to avoid such incidents, and thus, death at the hands of your comrades. I will, of course, require some consideration in the future for this service, but you needn't worry about such matters now."

Attila had a strange look on his face. Ivan recognized it as the rarely seen expression when the oaf had a thought. Slowly, his hand rose. "Yes?" The Sorcerer asked. "Are we going to do some dark ritual to let us unleash our fury at will? Something with maiden sacrifices?" Attila sure loved his maiden sacrifices. A little too much, for his peer's comfort. Even Chaos Marines have limits.

"No, you idiot!" Snarled the sorcerer. "There are more effective and evil ways of reaching our desired end. Anyway, there's barely a maiden to be found within the Eye. No, we will use hard work in place of Warp Magicks." He spun on his heal, and with one claw on his pointer finger started writing on a blank wall. "My name is Atep. Welcome to basic Anger Management…"

**CONFESSIONS OF A KHORNE BERZERKER**

"So you see, your anger can be harnessed, channeled into worthwhile goals in the service of Chaos. First we will try harmless venting of rage. Would anyone like to be the first to try?"

This was too much for Ivan. The tiny bit of his mind could still think rationally marveled that he and his comrades had lasted half an hour. He jumped to his feet and screamed, "BLOOD! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!" And reached for his chain-ax. His squad-mates followed his lead.

"There! You see, that is a wonderful way to channel your negative- GURK!" Atep was now wearing a chain-ax in the middle of his face, just like Borgia had promised when this hellish session began. After abusing the corpse for a little while, Ivan started laughing and the others joined in. It HAD helped to vent, and they all felt much better. After agreeing to meet up later and kill something, they all went their separate ways.

**CONFESSIONS OF A KHORNE BERZERKER**

Aspiring Chaos Champion Flavius Nero smiled as he watched Ivan's squad leave the 'counselors' office. He had long wanted a suite on the Sorcerer's Planet, but had never managed to displace them. So he offered them an alliance in the next great war. They were now sending sorcerers weekly to be killed by Nero's berzerkers. None the wiser, a replacement for Atep would be there Tuesday. He would kill off the Thousand Sons one at a time if he had to. Besides, it brought the men together. Yes, there's nothing for a frenzied berserker quite like anger management.


	2. Plague Marines

Confessions of a Khorne Berzerker.

**Plague Marines**

"Sergeant? Can I stay here and not fight? I'm sick." The sergeant whirled around to berate the idiot and point out they were ALL sick. It's what happens when you fight for Papa Nurgle. "Really sick sir. I don't know if I can fight."

"Me too."

"Me too."

"Me too."

"I feel terrible, Sarge."

Sigh.

Seriously, how are they supposed to get anything done?


	3. the Lost Legions

Confessions of a Khorne Berzerker

**The Lost Legions**

Another Year, and another group of eager young Aspirants to be belittled, beaten and broken and maybe, just maybe a few could be salvaged from the scrap pile and made into genuine Space Marines. Brother Sergeant Valdor couldn't say he loved his job, but it was his duty to the chapter and the Emperor and in His name, he'd do it right! And his personal distaste for his job as a training sergeant had nothing to do with him achieving the highest fail-rate of any brother Sergeant, including the time he failed two classes in a row without a single Aspirant being found worthy of the gene-seed.

Another year and like always, one of the eager little boot-stains was waving his hand like he had to go pee. Valdor bet himself he could even predict the question; "Who was our Primarch?" "Where did our homeworld stand during the Heresy?" "Why would anyone turn on the Emperor-Beloved-by-All?" It simply never changed. But the one question that always came up, the first day the Aspirants were cleared to know chapter secrets and the TRUE history of the Imperium, the one most popular question had to be- "What about the Lost Legions? Who were they, and why aren't they here now?"

"The short answer, Aspirant, is because they're lost. We have cleverly hidden that fact by calling them, 'the Lost Legions.'" Brother Sergeant Valdor was also not a morning person. Luckily he could give most of these responses in his sleep. Had, once or twice before the captain caught him. "The long answer goes something like this: when the God-Emperor created the Primarchs he made each in his own image. Each of the Primarchs represented a facet of the Emperor, who was the greatest of us all. Some say the Emperor himself was a commonwealth; a sort of "every-man" who represented and encapsulated the entire human race, but that's beside the point, even if you could understand all the big words. The point is that something happened when He made the Primarchs, something even He did not expect."

"We just heard about that… the Archenemy breached His Sanctum on Luna and scattered the Primarchs across the galaxy-" "No!" Yelled the Brother Sergeant. "Though I doubt He expected that either. No, what I'm trying to tell you is that two of the Primarchs were women… and so were all of their Space Marines."

For once, none of the Aspirants made a noise, and Brother Sergeant Valdor closed his eyes. Ah, blessed silence. But all good things end eventually, especially when they involve the universe showing kindness to old, battered sergeants. "B-But sir, there's never been a woman Space Marine! The gene-seed only works for men!"

"_Our_ gene-seed only works for men, just as theirs only worked for females. But you are correct that in this day and age, there is no such thing as a woman Space Marine, and there can never be one again." He smiled to see their confused faces, they had no clue as to the horror, but they would. "You must understand, for the first few years, Lady Space Marines worked out fine. Better than fine, they had records only really comparable to the Luna Wolves, and the Emperor's Children. They felt, as their brother-legions did, that they had something to prove."

"Those traitors!" Shouted one of the more enthusiastically indoctrinated students. "Did these 'Lady Space Marines' fall to the Ruinous Powers as well?"

"Not…exactly. Though, some of them could have passed for Khornates during their 'red fury.' Space Wolves and Blood Angels tended to find excuses to be elsewhere when that happened. But no, the 'Lady Space Marines' fought well in the Great Crusade, dethroned the Oligarch of Duxberg, slew countless xenos and brought compliance to three score worlds. Until, on a dark world whose name is lost to history, scouts of the Ceridwynth Legion rediscovered a plant called… the cacao tree. It's beans, when ground, mashed heated and sweetened produced the caco-late. A combat-stimm more potent than anything you will ever encounter. Under the dark influence of caco-late, the Ladies became more aggressive than ever, giggling while they filled rebels with holes and laughing manically while they fought. They became known as Caco Marines, and made radical feminist demands. The horrors, the atrocities they wrought on male populations were more terrible than anything even the Night Lords could have imagined. And, naturally, the first depravity was to share their performance-enhancer with their sister legion."

"The Emperor heard of these acts, as all men did, and crossed His mighty legs, as all men did. He understood that this power would soon turn against him. So, He did what was necessary. He had the Lady Space Marines loaded, with over fifty thousand tons of caco-late, into old-style cyro 'sleeper' ships, and sent them beyond the reach of the Imperium. In time they would reach another galaxy, and conquer it in His name. In fact, they were told that they were only the first of many waves to spread Man's Dominion over all the stars. And, by mutual agreement, no one, whether heretic or loyalist, no one ever talks about it. This is the first and last time you hear this, any notes you took will be destroyed. None of it ever happened. But take comfort, for the God-Emperor is all-wise, as he proved by not saving us from this nonexistent threat. But I'm sure that if any of it _had_ happened, nothing from it could possibly come back to haunt us now, ten thousand years after their exile. Give glory to the God-Emperor, savior of Mankind!"

**AN:** I have a little sister. Chocolate does strange and frightening things to her. Things no man should have to witness, and thus a fic idea is born. Hope you like my take on the Lost Legions. If not, why are you still reading? But if you are still reading, do yourself a favor and hit the review button. Else you might get visited by a Caco Marine.


End file.
